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Concerns are growing about the recent reductions in the rat population, most noticeably in the area around Sludge Lane. Mr Rupert Spleen of International Pest Eradication (Brampton) Ltd. contacted us saying: "There's always been hundreds of the b****rs in this area, a man can't make an honest living round here no more. I reckon some b****r is swiping the b*****ds. I'll be b*****ed if I know what the b*****ing heck's going on. My business is completely up the b*****ing spout without them b*****ds." Professor G. Reaper, lecturer in complex enigmas based at Poolsbrook University, proffered various suggestions to account for the baffling decline, saying: "There could be a number of reasons behind this mysterious phenomenon; for example, sterility due to drinking raw sewage from the local river, or maybe the possibility that something is eating them faster than they can breed, although at this stage I wouldn't rule out alien abduction or mass suicide." A police spokesperson said: "We are powerless to act unless a crime has been committed and sadly there is little we can do at this point in time." ***** |