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Last week's annual brass band contest final at the Bladdery Hall, Brampton, ended in the usual disarray after most of the Slattock & Clitterthwaite Colliery Band were taken to hospital for observation following what must be the most unusual performance in their 84 year history. Onlookers were amazed when the award winning ensemble took to the podium in what can only be described as a state of hilarity. Several members of the band then appeared to be frightened by the chairs, and chose to sit cross legged on the floor, although police are still searching for flugel hornist Peter Smelt (41) who ran from the building in tears, shouting: "Man, it's all too f***in' beautiful." The bewildered audience was treated to a medley of what seemed to be hits by the Beatles, Pink Floyd, and Ravi Shankar, the arrangement of which was highly unorthodox and lasted only about two minutes in total. Euphonium virtuoso Norma Slippes (53) brought about an unexpected conclusion to the proceedings by removing most of her attire and urinating in the xylophone, rendering the remaining musicians helpless with mirth. Bass drummer Ivor Woodcock (27), however, who had maintained a loud but steadily insistent rhythm throughout the performance, carried on regardless until paramedics forcibly removed him from the building, repeatedly screaming: "I am the thunder god - you will all perish!" Members of the Brampton Stringworkers' & Tripe Picklers' Union Silver Band, who won the contest by default, are currently helping police with their enquiries after allegations of foul play were made by an anonymous informant. A spokesperson for the British Brass Band Association told us: "I am not fully prepared to comment on this particular matter at this precise moment in time; however, enquiries will, in the fullness of time, and at the appropriate juncture, be conducted, and, it is imagined, an official statement may, or may not, be issued by this body." ***** |
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