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Disgusted
Dear sirs, I wish to complain about the increasing amount of dog droppings in my area. The street outside my house is completely covered in canine dung, and it is high time someone made a stand on it. Despite promises from local council members to personally clean it up, one still cannot venture out of one's front gate without encountering steaming piles of faeces. Our cat, Bonzo, regularly comes home coated in stinking excrement and has to be soaked in petrol to alleviate the foul malodorous stench. When I contacted the local council to suggest that they gave the local poor children a chance to achieve a sense of self-worth and dignity by offering a small reward for gathering stools, my idea was merely poo-pooed. We don't pay our taxes for this sort of thing, and frankly, I am disgusted. Mrs. Constance Harping, Cack Lane, Brampton. ______________ Outrage Sir, A recent news article published in the Brampton Bugle forced me to write in fury about local villain Arthur Minnit arrested for "littering the pavement and resisting arrest". This type of offence is dealt with far too leniently nowadays; speaking as an upstanding member of the community and a devout Christian, in my opinion he should be publicly disembowelled and then flogged. Yours, General Bernard Scraggs, Fetlock Lane, Upper Plump Bottom, Nr. Brampton. ______________ Winner! Dear Brampton, As one of our most valued customers you have ALREADY WON free entry to the FINAL STAGE of our massive £250,000 prize draw lottery bonanza! Just enclose your LUCKY WINNER certificate and personalised horseshoe token with your completed order form within 7 days to ensure TOP PRIORITY STATUS fast track handling protocol, and a cheque for Mr. & Mrs. Bugle to the value of £250,000 could be on its way to the Bugle household in a few weeks! Don't delay! Send your order NOW! Tom Champagne, Prize Draw Manager, Weeder's Digest. ______________ Crime Dear sirs, I am most concerned about the growing amount of crime in the area, particularly among the younger generation. In my opinion the only way to curb this evil trend is to thrash them all until they bleed and repent, and then thrash them again. It never did me any harm. Fr. Grumptious O'Bastard, Church of the Holy Bleeding Martyr's Hacked off Limbs, Stench St., Brampton. ______________ Request Dear sirs, Do you do requests? If so, one of my favourite songs of all time is the old folk song "My Johnny's Gone a-Mollying Oh", and I would dearly love to hear it again as it reminds me of clog dancing in my youth. Mrs. C. Gristle (87) Brampton. ______________ Unrequited Sirs, On recently followed up one of the 'contact ads' in the Brampton Bugle personal column purely for the purpose of cultural discourse, I was most disappointed to find the "attractive" lady described to be grossly overweight, 62, with a moustache, soiled sweat stained underwear, and breath smelling of fish. I feel that the description in your publication infringes the Sale of Goods Act 1979 and the Supply of Goods and Services Act 1982 (as amended) and will be contacting my solicitor forthwith. Uriah Fusty, 11, Bladder St., Brampton. (Name and address supplied) ______________ Quality Dear sirs, I wish to congratulate the Brampton Bugle. Rarely have I had the experience of reading such an example of unparalleled quality and integrity. My wife was thoroughly delighted. Sir Mortimer Swiddlepole (Q.C.), Upper Plump Bottom, Nr. Brampton. ______________ Complaint Dear sirs, I was very dissatisfied with your recent Russian historical article, it was full of inaccuracies and no true representation of my benevolent ancestor at all. After Ivan's death, my family left Russia in an attempt to leave the past behind, and settled in Brampton on the estate of Humphrey Le Sodde, the second Earl of Brampton, in March 1584. I feel the least you can do is print a public apology. Yours, Kevin the Terrible, Room 14, East Wing, Brampton Home for Bewildered Gentlefolk. ______________ Dear Brampton, As one of our most valued customers you have ALREADY WON free entry to the FINAL STAGE of our massive £250,000 prize draw lottery bonanza! Just enclose your LUCKY WINNER certificate and personalised horseshoe token with your completed order form within 7 days to ensure TOP PRIORITY STATUS fast track handling protocol, and a cheque for Mr. & Mrs. Bugle to the value of £250,000 could be on its way to the Bugle household in a few weeks! Don't delay! Send your order NOW! Tom Champagne, Prize Draw Manager, Weeder's Digest. ______________ |
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