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Nowadays eating sawdust can be a very risky business. During the summer months my surgery sees a constant flow of patients with the same all too familiar symptoms; vomiting, diarrhoea, and splinters in and around the mouth and throat. It is my belief that this is entirely attributable to changing methods of timber production and carpentry. The rapidly declining quality of wood coupled with the use of modern power tools and slipshod craftsmanship have combined to bestow a grim legacy on society, the full extent of which is only now starting to manifest itself. I believe that unless immediate action is taken on a national level, the problem could reach epidemic proportions causing widespread panic, and the entire population could lose yet another valuable dietary supplement. Do we as a society want a repeat of the string scandal of the 1970s? The National Medical Authority refuses to officially recognize this problem, as does the government, despite my recent naked protest outside the House of Commons with two short planks strapped back and front and a tenon saw balanced on my head. It's time for action! Please write to your local MP immediately to protest against this outrage. |
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| Dear
Dr. Pots,
I have a medical problem that I cannot talk about, can you suggest a remedy? (name and address supplied) Dear
Mr. Thorsen,
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| Dear
Dr. Pots,
Many of my friends and colleagues have indicated to me that I am as ugly as a jail door and smell like rotting haddock, what should I do about it? Daniella Twaitte, Teapot Yard Dear
Miss Twaitte,
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Dear Dr. Pots,
I have been suffering terribly lately with a recurrence of the dreaded piles. Could you please advise me on the best course of action for the suffering. Enid Welt, Grim Place Dear Enid,
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Dr. Pots,
I recently got some stuff for my ear. Can I use it anywhere else? Doris Phlegm, Batted Place Dear
Ms. Phlegm,
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| Dear
Dr. Potth,
I have alwayth thuffered fwom an embawwaththing lithp. Could you thuggetht a thuitable medical or herbal wemedy to aththitht with thith theriouth thituation. Pewhapth you feel the thymptomth could be pthychological; poththibly even thome thort of thupernatuwal, thpiwitual or Thatanic poththeththion? I would be vewy gwateful for your aththithtanthe, it ith tho depweththing; the thickening tathteleththnethth of my fwiendth and buthinethth aththothiateth intheththantly taking the micky. Yourth motht thintherely, Thamthon Thnodgwath, Thodde Hall Wd., Bwampton. p.th. I mutht apologithe if the paper for thith letter ith thtill thoaking wet - thowwy. Dear Mr. Snodgrath, In the interests of political correctness and to raise public awareness of your condition, you will see I have reproduced your letter in your own language. No doubt you will be aware of my recent demonstration outside the House of Commons and my ongoing campaign for lispers' rights. Whilst many people would be tempted to treat this problem with a lack of seriousness, please be assured that I fully sympathise with your sad plight and will certainly, as always, seek to treat it with the utmost sensitivity and some semblance of decency. Based upon my personal diagnostic assessment of the situation, I would suggest the following course of action: First, scrape the soft white substance from inside the skins of six sizeable satsumas. Stir this slowly into seven dessertspoonfuls of turpentine substitute, add a soupçon of epsom salts, and allow to settle for at least sixty seconds. Mix six or seven (subject to size) crushed desiccated thistles with a smallish soupspoonful each of Worcester sauce and semi-skimmed sheep's milk. Add the mixtures together and simmer steadily over a slow heat until a sufficient consistency is satisfactorily attained. Thicken with builder's sand as necessary. The resulting mixture should subsequently be introduced as a suppository. This should almost certainly have satisfactory results, but just in case, I have privately sent you an ancient and sacred incantation to be recited as loudly as possible every hour for the next seven days. Hopefully, that should alleviate the effects of any evil spirits that may be causing your symptoms. Meanwhile, I hope the L.R.A. can count on your solid support. (see below) *** LITHPERTH AWITHE! THTAND UP FOR YOUR WIGHTTH! THEE YOURTHELVETH ATH MORE THAN JUTHT THTATITHTICTH! BE A THIGNIFICANT FORTHE IN THOTHIETY! Pleathe contact the Bwampton Bugle offithe if you wish to aththitht the Lithperth' Wightth Aththothiation (Please contact the Brampton Bugle office if you wish to assist the Lispers' Rights Association) ~***~ |
Thos. Hogg-Wash & Son. High Class Family Tree Surgeons. Dear Dr. Pots, In my knowledgeable capacity as a tree surgeon I must write and complain about all the scare stories in your column recently about mad tree disease. The main cause is unscrupulous foreign foresters using chemical and bovine fertilisers in woodland to speed up growth, in an attempt to bring wood to market faster. The result of which is that people eating wood or sawdust have a strong chance of having this madness passed on to them through no fault of their own. There is nothing wrong with good British sawdust, it's far better than all the foreign muck put together. Furthermore, I venture to say that this problem is wholly unconnected with the misunderstanding about string in the 1970s. Yours sincerely, Thomas Hogg-Wash O.M.P., H.G.G.H. (hon.) Dear
Mr. Hogg-Wash,
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| Dear Dr. Potth,
I wish to pwotetht motht thtwongly. Although I mutht pwaithe the Bwampton Bugle for itth unthurpaththable thtandardth of political cowwectnethth, I deeply wegwet whiting to you wethently about my lithping pwoblem, becauthe now I've lotht my job as a therver in a thupermarket. I have perthued a caweew in the wetail induthtwy thinth leaving thchool at thicthteen, and until wethently wath therving thteak and thtilton on the meat and cheethe counter at Muff'th Hypermart in Bwampton. I kept to all your advithe with the thuppothitowy ath lithted in your weply, weligiouthly wethiting the thacred mantwa you thent me, evewy hour ath pwethcwibed, but the cuthtomerth complained to the thupervithor and latht Fwiday Mithter Muff, the pwopwietor, thacked me for thoaking the cheethe and thauthageth with thpit, not to mention vawiouth other mithcellaneouth pwoductth and a cuthtomer'th thpectacleth. Fwankly, I am extwemely wowwied and gweatly dithpleathed. Yourth, with thomewhat lethth thinthewity than my pweviouth cowwethpondenthe and vewy, vewy dithpondently, Thamthon Thnodgwath, Thodde Hall Wd., Bwampton. |
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Sick of the stinking old parasites? Tired of their incessant drivel? Want to get rid of them? Then let us take care of them - at the Brampton Haven for Bewildered Gentlefolk, where caring and economy go hand in hand. How do we do it at the price? Simple - we make them work. Instead of sitting around gibbering in armchairs all day, your loved ones can once again enjoy the dignity of labour in our balaclava factory, our fish processing department, or perhaps our busy string recycling plant. Let them spend their twilight years with the satisfaction of earning their own daily food allowance. For those less able bodied, we also hold regular shoplifting/begging workshops at reasonable rates. "Will I have to visit them much?" No need to visit often - they'll be far too busy! Let us take care of them for you, and enjoy a clear conscience while our fully qualified staff happily do all the hard work. *** (Prices subject to physical and mental condition of client) |
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