Your Life in the Stars
horoscopes by
~  Mystic Dennis  ~
Brampton Bugle Astronomer

*******

Aries     You know that you can occasionally be truthful if you try hard enough. Try to turn your back on your criminal activities for a day or two and see how productive it can be. Love is in the air for lucky Aries, but it is bound be short-lived, and will doubtless end in bitterness and despair.     Taurus     A fine upstanding and totally reliable person like yourself should be very wary of Virgoans this week. Watch your back, they have got it in for you - they are after your job and will do anything to get it. Romance is just around the corner, and a happy time for all Taureans, but be prepared for a violent death later in the week, especially if you are vegetarian.     Gemini     Mercury is the ruler of your sign, so you are probably mentally unbalanced. Keep your head down this week, your schizophrenic tendencies are coming forward once again, and we don't want it to happen again, do we? Avoid everyone, they probably all detest you anyway. Listen to your inner self.     Cancer     You can stop worrying, because everyone knows your dirty little secret, and they are already laughing behind your back. If you work, try and avoid sleeping on the job this week, as there is a good chance of being caught. You should also try to avoid eating raw meat if you want that romance to blossom.     Leo     A widespread star sign for plumbers and mechanics, you can have some lucrative fun with a stupid customer this week with that 'minor' problem they have. It should be an entertaining and profitable time for you, but keep away from potential partners or members of the opposite sex as much as possible to avoid dire consequences in later life.     Virgo     A work colleague has been telling vicious lies about you. They have informed your superiors that you are simple minded, swear, spit a lot and suffer from flatulence, and they are spreading derogatory statements about your mental, physical capabilities and sexual prowess. You should be very wary of anyone born under the sign of Taurus. The colour green will bring about terrible circumstances this week.     Libra     Think of the dejected, lonely old people and poor crippled orphan children working in factories. Now would be an excellent time to donate a large amount of money to a worthwhile local charity. Everything you give will be returned in triplicate this week with a lucky windfall, but beware of strong cheese; all is not what it seems.     Scorpio     You have had a bright idea, but be warned! - it might have seemed a good idea yesterday, but don't put it into practice. It's crazy, positively dangerous and can only make things worse. The number 5 will bring you bad luck. Telephone Brampton undertakers Clutterbuck & Bracegirdle for special bargain offers on Scorpios.     Sagittarius     With the full moon waning, you should watch your next door neighbour closely; he is sneaking out at night to pour acid on the base of your fence posts. He is also hoarding jars of pickled tripe, depriving you and contributing to the alleged worldwide shortage. Kill him, for he is evil incarnate. Romance will blossom this week for Sagittarians not in debt, but they will live to regret it.     Capricorn     You should have listened a few weeks ago, most of your uncomfortable problems could have been avoided. Now your only remedy is Dr. Pots' Dual Purpose Extra Strong Haemorrhoid Paste and Tooth Cleansing Grit. Postpone your plans for world domination for a week or two, they are doomed anyway.     Aquarius     Do not give your hard earned money to that incoherent, irresponsible, uncooperative slob who claims your car needs more work, he's been asleep most of the morning. All he did is rub some of the dirt off the engine to make it look as though something has been done. Trust no-one at all, ever, especially your so-called friends.     Pisces     Stay indoors if you can, if not, be very very careful indeed. Avoid ladders, cats and banana skins. Everything that can go wrong undoubtably will this week. Be very careful what you eat, and keep away from anything electrical. Telephone Brampton undertakers Clutterbuck & Bracegirdle now for preferential rates on Pisceans.

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